broken

I didn't really know how to go about posting this.  Perhaps it's because I'm embarrassed to share it.  But there is no hiding it.  I have a constant reminder of my mistake.

Yep, that's a little cast.  On my baby's leg.  Ella fell off the changing table last week.  I was dressing her, decided I wanted to change the sweater I was putting on her, and a second later, she was on the floor.  Plop.  Like a watermelon rolling off the counter.  Her life flashed before my eyes.  I scooped her up, held her close, and just kept apologizing for my lapse in parenting.  Tears, doctor's visits, multiple x-rays, and a leg cast later, she's the bravest baby I know.  It was a pretty traumatic experience for us all, and I still have that vision of her falling seared into my head.  But I am grateful that she'll be okay and that it was the best case scenario, considering all that happened (and could have happened).

As a parent, my motto has become, "never say never."  Before Ella, I had all these preconceived notions about motherhood.  "I will never sleep in bed with my child."  "I will never buy a bunch of baby stuff that we'll never need."  "I will never let my baby fall off a changing table."  (Ha!)

I am completely humbled.  Every time I look at that cast, I am reminded of how I just can't be everywhere and everything to her.  I consider myself a pretty good mom.  I know all her cries, I make all her food, and I anticipate all her needs.  But despite all my efforts, I cannot protect her from everything.  Yes, it was my decision to move away from the changing table.  Yes, it was my mistake.  (One I will always regret.)  But at the same time, this has taught me that while I can be super mom, I'll never be able to protect and love her the way God does.  He is everywhere and everything.  He ultimately is in control.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I totally thought I broke her.  I mean, she did break her femur.  But I thought I had ruined my perfect, beautiful baby.  But she's resilient.  We all are.  I just have to trust that no matter what happens to her, today, tomorrow, and years from now, that God's got her in the palm of His hand.  He'll be her cast.

Getting some fresh air after having the cast put on by the orthopedist. 

Still sitting tall.

Still able to roll over, cast and all.

Still happy as a clam.