An Education

Perhaps it's the hormones, perhaps it's the pregnancy brain, but I can't seem to focus on my studies and my motivation to do well has all but dissipated.  I've been taking classes to get a second bachelors in communication disorders in hopes of getting my masters degree in speech and language pathology.  Before getting pregnant I was really excited about this career shift and looking forward to working in schools and eventually in a private practice.  But since the baby came along, my 3 year plan has been a bit disrupted.  Yesterday, I took a test that I didn't do so well on, and came home a bit discouraged.  I'm pretty burned out with the whole school thing.  It feels like that's all I've been doing the past 10 years, and it scares me a little that this career decision may not work out.

I'm torn because all I want to do right now is to be a mom.  I think being a full-time mom is one of the most challenging and under-appreciated jobs a woman can have.  I have so much respect for women who choose to stay home with their kids.  Sometimes I think I'll be perfectly content pursuing that, but other times I feel suffocated and want something of my own (outside of kids and family).  While I don't plan to sacrifice my family life in pursuit of some flashy career, I know that in the long run it will be nice to just have something separate to identify myself with.

The idea of having 3+ years of schooling left plus wanting to grow our family is completely daunting to me.  Adam has been very supportive of whatever decision I make (even though he says I should just make a career out of collecting degrees). There are plenty of women who work, go to school and raise kids, but the idea of having to do that just exhausts me.  Then again, my physical fatigue is probably overflowing into my emotional state, so ultimately I will just pray for discernment as I navigate through this balancing act.  For someone who thrives on planning and "to do" lists, this is the first time in a long time that I've had to let every expectation go and just trust.