preschool?!?!

E with her new backpack and Sebastian the crab (who came along for the ride).

It wasn't supposed to happen until next fall.  But upon touring a preschool, we found out they had an opening left in their lower campus for kids 2-3 years old.  And after seeing Ella light up at all the activities the school had to offer, we decided to enroll her.

So now, I am a parent to a preschooler.  How did we get here so soon?  I'm completely not ready and am pretty emotional about this, despite the fact that it's only twice a week for 2 1/2 hours each day.  But I've never left her in the care of anyone besides our immediate family.  So I'm a wreck about it, but trying to stay upbeat and cheerful so that Ella doesn't pick up on my anxiety.

This post is late in coming because we left for a trip to Seattle the day after her first day.  I decided to stay with her during that day because we would be gone another week before her next class, and I wasn't ready for the tearful separation.  I thought she did pretty well, and started to feel like I could just drop her off next time, until we moved rooms to start other activities and she refused to go without me.  I realized I was going to have to take a different approach, but the idea of her crying for me in the presence of strangers is too hard for me to swallow.  I think I'll have to do a slow ease vs. ripping the bandaid off, but who knows.  I can never say never when it comes to parenting, and a week from now I might be talking about how I walked out the door leaving a bawling child behind.

Parenting sucks sometimes.

But then I think about all the growing she'll do at school, and from being independent from me.  Ella is a timid child and incredibly shy around strangers.  With family and friends she's an outgoing ham.  But she's quiet and an observer--much like I was as a child.  So I sympathize with her.  And I try not to project my insecurities and my childhood struggles onto her.  She is her own person.  She will learn to carve her own way.  She will be okay.

It still doesn't make the prospect of her crying easier for me to digest.  And it hasn't even come to that yet.

While staying with her at school I immediately started to judge the other kids.  I mentally willed her to befriend the "nice" kids, you know, the quieter ones that were like her.  I quickly dismissed the loud little girl who started to climb the bookcase and boss people around.  And the little boy who hissed at other children who came too close to him and stomped around taking things just sent me into mama bear mode.  But I know that while I can fight Ella's battles now, I won't be able to do it later.  It might just be about a plastic cupcake or a tonka truck right now, but eventually the battles with become bigger and more significant.  I know I need to prepare my child for the road ahead and not the road for my child.  For her sake, I need to step back and trust in her.

Again, parenting sucks sometimes.

But tonight at dinner, out of nowhere, E says that she likes preschool.  And I hope she really means it.  Because this is a journey we have committed to.  And this is a journey that will challenge us and change us.  Not to sound melodramatic or anything; it's just that I thought I had another year to come to terms with the fact that my little baby girl really isn't a baby anymore.  Yep, and this is just preschool.  I'm in for quite a ride...

onesies

Ella loves her special day with Grandma where they get to attend the Baby & Me Onesies class at the Kidspace museum.  I love seeing the unique artwork she brings home and hearing about all the new things she's learning.  She has also made many new friends.  We are so glad we found this class for her and look forward to the next session!

A class photo from her Winter 2013 session.

An Education

Perhaps it's the hormones, perhaps it's the pregnancy brain, but I can't seem to focus on my studies and my motivation to do well has all but dissipated.  I've been taking classes to get a second bachelors in communication disorders in hopes of getting my masters degree in speech and language pathology.  Before getting pregnant I was really excited about this career shift and looking forward to working in schools and eventually in a private practice.  But since the baby came along, my 3 year plan has been a bit disrupted.  Yesterday, I took a test that I didn't do so well on, and came home a bit discouraged.  I'm pretty burned out with the whole school thing.  It feels like that's all I've been doing the past 10 years, and it scares me a little that this career decision may not work out.

I'm torn because all I want to do right now is to be a mom.  I think being a full-time mom is one of the most challenging and under-appreciated jobs a woman can have.  I have so much respect for women who choose to stay home with their kids.  Sometimes I think I'll be perfectly content pursuing that, but other times I feel suffocated and want something of my own (outside of kids and family).  While I don't plan to sacrifice my family life in pursuit of some flashy career, I know that in the long run it will be nice to just have something separate to identify myself with.

The idea of having 3+ years of schooling left plus wanting to grow our family is completely daunting to me.  Adam has been very supportive of whatever decision I make (even though he says I should just make a career out of collecting degrees). There are plenty of women who work, go to school and raise kids, but the idea of having to do that just exhausts me.  Then again, my physical fatigue is probably overflowing into my emotional state, so ultimately I will just pray for discernment as I navigate through this balancing act.  For someone who thrives on planning and "to do" lists, this is the first time in a long time that I've had to let every expectation go and just trust.

Random Thoughts

Adam is in Seattle for the weekend to watch the Seahawks game, so I'm home alone with the two puggies and the little lima bean.  I am looking forward to snuggling on the couch and catching up on my DVR'd shows and a couple movies.  I just have two little thoughts this evening as I settle in for the night.

One is the recent discovery that chocolate gives me indigestion.  *Insert silent, internal wailing*  This was quite a sad discovery for me since I love chocolate and have been craving it a lot.  I've been limiting my intake because of the caffeine and sugar, but after indulging in some rocky road ice cream the other day, I confirmed my suspicion that chocolate makes me sick.  Yet another indication that this baby is inheriting more of Adam's traits than mine.  Sigh.

Secondly, pregnancy has made me a horrible student.  I've never been this bad at staying on top of my assignments and being able to focus on my studies.  Maybe it's baby brain, maybe I'm just too tired to think too hard, but I've been struggling to keep up, which makes me reconsider how many classes I want to take next semester.  I've been tempted on more than one occasion to write the professor and say:

 "Sorry for my half-ass assignment.  I'm pregnant.  And pukey.  

And would rather sleep than be analyzing this language sample.  

Thank you for your understanding."

And in honor of my procrastinating ways (and in mourning for my newly-developed aversion to chocolate), I'm going to heat up some warm, vanilla milk and watch a bad romantic comedy.