Counting Down

We are eagerly checking off the days until we meet our little boy.  The past month has been filled with lots of doctor visits and fetal monitoring.  This pregnancy has definitely had its share of complications.  I developed gestational diabetes, have (yet again) an uncooperative placenta, and have had to go in twice weekly for a stress test to make sure the baby is doing well.  We learned recently that because my placenta is not doing what it's supposed to be doing, our little guy's abdomen is not growing as it should be.  All this means is that he won't be a big rolly polly baby.  But it's still cause for concern that he's not getting enough nutrition.  So looks like we'll be inducing early (within the next two weeks), depending on how he's doing in there.  Of course this all makes me nervous and anxious.  And of course it is a good reminder how little control we have in this process of creating life, and how it is such a MIRACLE and BLESSING to have children at all, let alone healthy ones.  So I am grateful we made it this far in the pregnancy with relatively few bumps in the rode, despite the complications.  I'm just eager to get him out (I'm over 37 weeks now, which is considered "full term") and meet this little man.

Plus, unlike with Ella, we haven't been able to get a good ultrasound picture of him.  He's always facing back and blocking his face with some limb or another, so we have no idea what he looks like.  I'm so curious to see our son!

As for the overall experience of this pregnancy, I must say it's been so different.  From the way I carry to my symptoms, this child is definitely his own person.  I had morning sickness much much longer than I did will Ella.  It took me until about 18 weeks before I started feeling myself again.  Then I had chronic headaches (they were terrible!) for a while, probably until 30 weeks.  And by 34 weeks, I felt like I was ready to deliver.  I'm carrying him so low, and my bump is definitely pointy and just out there.  With Ella, I didn't feel the discomfort until about 36-37 weeks, and my bump was always round and high.  This time around I don't have that dark line on my belly, and my skin has been relatively cooperative, which is a nice consolation.  The indigestion continues to plague me, and my nights are constantly interrupted with sore hips from sleeping on my side and the need to pee (I didn't have that latter problem with Ella at all).

I'm definitely looking forward to not being pregnant anymore.  I feel like having been pregnant (three times, including our first that ended in miscarriage) for the past three years has taken quite a toll on this body.  While this may not be our last child, I am looking forward to a break.

Emotionally I feel all over the place.  While we didn't plan having another child so soon, I'm glad it happened when it did (or just glad that the pregnancy is almost over and can't imagine doing it all over again right now).  I love that we're having a little boy and that he will usher in new energy into this family.  I wonder how it will be having another child, how much love I will have for him, and how much he will change our lives like Ella did when she was born.  Sometimes it still feels surreal, and the time to dwell on having another child gets overshadowed by the need to care for a toddler.  Still, I treasure those nights where I'm rocking Ella for bedtime and she's drifting off in my arms while I feel our son kick and move in my belly.  I cherish the fact that I have my babies so close, and know how blessed I am.

As for now, we are just trying to enjoy our final few days of being a family of three.  Adam and I are going out and having date nights as much as possible, because we know how challenging that can be with a newborn.  We're also sleeping as much as we can and just drinking in the relatively quiet and easy life we have.  While I know the roller coaster that awaits us, I'm excited to be exactly where we are right now.

Are We There Yet?

I know, I know.  I haven't even reached my due date yet, so there really is no reason to feel as antsy as I feel.  But I WANT THIS BABY HERE.  It's just... so uncomfortable.  I'm tired all the time, my belly keeps stretching (and showing it), and everything aches.  I've been so blessed to be able to have a husband to dote on me and weekly prenatal massages, so really, I shouldn't complain.  But I feel like I've been pregnant forever.  I know I should be enjoying these last couple of weeks where I don't have to always be nursing or caring for a newborn.  But I want my body back (as much of it as I can get back).  I miss yoga and salami and a guilt-free glass of red wine.  I miss seeing my toes and being able to roll out of bed without having to grunt or wince in pain (she's sitting very low now).  I want to wear my wedding ring again and not feel like a marshmallow peep all the time.  I'm trying to focus on the few things left on my to-do list, but most of the time I just want to sleep.  I've never felt this tired before and so physically limited.  And don't even get me started on the fact that I now waddle.  Sigh.

It's so funny how throughout the pregnancy all you want is for your baby to stay inside to develop and grow.  Preterm labor is a constant concern.  Now, all I want is for her to make her arrival.  I guess this is Mother Nature's way of helping me actually look forward to the labor and delivery process.  Ah, the master plan!

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Conclusions?  Not a big fan.  I know they help prepare the uterus for labor, but I'm definitely not throwing them parties anytime soon.  Oh uterine cramping.  It's been so long since I've felt you, and I've got to say: absence has not made this heart grow fonder.

Leg Cramps & Remy in Triage?

After attending a three-hour routine birth procedures class at our hospital last night, I was plagued with dreams about going into labor and having to spend endless hours in an overcrowded triage laying on shaky bunk beds with bandaged-up people trying to watch the Royal Wedding on TV.  Thrown into that interesting mix of circumstances was Remy squawking like a turkey because Adam was holding him up like a hanging peking duck and refusing to hear my pleas for him to take the pug home.  And on top of that, was my realization that we forgot to tell people we were in the hospital and that Ashley (our pug point person, or P.P.P. for when the "big day" comes around) wasn't contacted and poor Mia had been locked up in her crate for 16 hours straight.  Let's just say, if she could bark swear words, she'd be a sailor.  Oh, and I was having contractions and no one would help me breathe through them because everyone else was having babies except for me.  Yes, they say pregnancy can bring about weird and vivid dreams.  Yes, I tend to have weird and vivid dreams regardless of my pregnant state.  But seriously?  It was an stressful night's sleep, even for me.

Then, THEN, I woke up with a leg cramp.  I've only had a handful since being pregnant, and none at all before I was knocked up.  So I'm not used to dealing with the painful spasms in the middle of the night and tend to turn into a giant baby when they happen.  Last night's leg cramp wouldn't subside, even as I tried to stretch and flex my foot.  Eventually, my heavy breathing and whimpering woke Adam up and as he tried to get me to stand up, I basically started squawking like a turkey (apparently it runs in the family) as the pain just escalated.  After about 15 seconds of Adam holding me and trying not to freak out at my irrational reaction to the situation, I walked it off and then realized, OMG I'm a wuss!  I have to go into labor in a few weeks, and birth a watermelon with arms and legs, and I was just howling at a leg cramp!  So now I'm slightly unnerved about what this whole birthing process will be like for me.  And this is after having a conversation with Ashley, post-birthing class, about how I totally don't want an epidural or pain medication.  Funny how circumstances manifest that remind you that maybe making broad, sweeping statements like that isn't a good idea.

Doctor's Visit

I had my 32 week OB appointment yesterday and am happy to report that all is going along well.  After the little scare I had last week, I was relieved to find out that I only gained 1 lb. since my last visit two weeks ago, which puts me right on target.  That said, our scale at home is getting tossed out the window after a very stern talking to for freaking me out with its inaccurate reading.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated, but my doctor wasn't too concerned.  We had a good conversation about what would happen if I did develop preeclampsia (both now before the 35 week mark and later when I'm considered "full term") and I feel much more prepared for what to expect and confident that we will be okay regardless of what happens.  Still, as of now, things are going along swimmingly and I'm trying to relax and enjoy the time we have left with just the two of us (plus pugs) in our family.  Taking nothing about this pregnancy for granted, I am truly grateful for every day she is healthy and growing in my belly.

Nesting

So this is nesting.  Go figure that I was born to nest.  I mean, I've had almost 30 years of nesting experience.  Preparing for the arrival of our baby has given me free reign to shop, organize and decorate a room.  I want to say that it's the pregnancy hormones motivating me to have everything in place and ready for her arrival, but really it's no different than how I usually am on a day to day basis.  I am loving it nonetheless.  Adam put her closet shelving system up yesterday, clothes are washed and hung, and the furniture should arrive tomorrow morning.  I am so excited to put this nursery together and await the arrival of our daughter to fill it with memories and love.  I will definitely post pictures of the completed project.  Less than 9 weeks to go if she makes a timely appearance.  I'm definitely eager with anticipation!

Prayer

I had a bit of a freak out a couple nights ago because I weighed myself and saw a significant weight gain (too much in one week), which can be a symptom of preeclampsia.  In my worry, I go online to look up more information of what to expect with pre-e and end up freaking myself out.  There were tears and worries and what-ifs.  I was just hit with the realization that if I develop pre-e and it's serious enough, I would have to deliver our baby early.  And the idea of having a preemie just felt daunting and overwhelming and I kept thinking, "We don't even have a crib yet!"  Thank God Adam is able to be calm and level-headed when I can't be, and he assured me that no matter what we would be fine.  I called my OB the next morning, and he assured me that since I had no other symptoms I was ok and didn't need to go in.  I have an appointment with him next week anyway, so he said that as long as I still feel well and no other symptoms develop that I can wait until then to see him, which really helped calm my worries.

Yet again I am learning how precious life is and how we can't take a single day of good health for granted.  I need her to stay healthy and keep growing and am just praying that we make it to 38 weeks and I'll be happy.  As for now, I just need to stay relaxed and keep my blood pressure stable.  So I treated myself to a mani-pedi today and have started the real shopping for baby stuff (just in case she decides to make an early appearance).  We've been staying prayerful that I don't develop pre-e, and that in the event that I do, we will be prepared.  I hate feeling so fragile all the time, but faith keeps us grounded and we just have to trust that everything will be okay.

Sniff

What is it with those commercials on Lifetime?  How is it possible that a 30 second spot can  make me cry so much?  I don't even watch "Army Wives" and "Coming Home" and yet I'm sniffling away.  Thanks a lot, pregnancy hormones.

Hello Third Trimester!

As I approach my 28th week, I usher in my third and final trimester (yay!).  I'm pretty excited to say the least.  We've been slowly checking away at our to-do list in preparation for our baby to arrive.  We have our wallpaper and paint picked out for the nursery (check!), we signed up for all our birthing classes (check!), and we've interviewed and retained a doula (check!).  We're especially grateful for that last one because I just really don't know what to expect when it comes time for the big event.  I appreciate that I can  keep my options open while knowing that I have a professionally trained and experienced woman to support me and Adam through it all.

As I transition into my third tri, I thought I'd compile a few lists reflecting my pregnancy thus far:

THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR:

• Weekly prenatal massages
• Feeling the baby move
• Elastic waistbands and maxi dresses
• Passing my glucose tolerance test 
• An amazing husband (even if he sings Winnie the Pooh when he sees me)

THINGS I'M LOVING:

• Fruit 
• Ice cream
• Chocolate (reunited and it feels so good!)
• Decaf coffee drinks
• Shopping for baby
• Thicker hair 
• Thinking about all the birthday parties/Easter egg hunts/holiday events that we'll be throwing for her

THINGS I MOURN:

• Sushi
• Regular caffeinated coffee drinks
• Beer and wine
• Rare steak
• Bending over easily
• Ab muscles
• Sleeping through the night
• Seeing my feet
• My boobs (as they once were)

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry

Perhaps it's the doctor visits and their caution in monitoring me.  Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones.  Perhaps it's the fact that I'm almost at my third trimester and the fears and anxiety raised by our previous miscarriage are resurfacing again.  Perhaps it's the horrible dream I had last night.  Or maybe it's just a mix of it all, but today I woke up feeling incredibly anxious and slightly panicked.  I know nothing has changed since seeing her move on the screen yesterday, but she's having a mellow day in there and I miss feeling her thump against my side and feeling her kick from the outside.  This morning it's only been a few flutters here and there and a bout of hiccups for a short while.  I know it's completely normal and that "kick counts" don't really start until the 28th week when the baby's movements are more predictable and consistent.  But sometimes I get nervous and my rational side gets taken over by my human feelings of weakness and helplessness.

Like I've said before, being pregnant is so humbling.  It really makes you face your lack of control in the bigger scheme of things.  And people who know me know I love control.  I thrive on being in the driver's seat.  So it's been a tough lesson to learn--to just really give it up and trust that God's plans are more divine and purposeful than our own.  I was reading some pregnancy boards earlier to find comfort in our baby's "slow day" and came across a post about a woman losing her baby at 25 weeks.  I broke down.  I just sat in front of the computer and cried.  I don't know this woman, but I can only imagine what she's going through.  I feel like Adam and I handled the loss of our first baby really well.  We had amazing support and we've come to a place where we can talk about it and share our experience.  But the emotion of losing something you love so much continues to haunt you.  It never really leaves.  Anyone who has lost a loved one can attest to that.

I guess this morning is a slow day for all of us.  The pugs are snuggled up on their bed, fast asleep (and it's only a little past 9 o'clock).  The baby is hanging out, taking it easy apparently, much to my worry and anxiety (which I'm well aware never really goes away, even after she is born).  And I'm just going to let myself mope a little, continue to mourn a little.  Mourn for our first baby, up in heaven with her grandpa and Frankie (our first pug baby), mourn for the woman's loss of her premature baby, and mourn for the loss of all little lives leaving us too soon.  I'm chalking it up to just one of those days where tea and prayer are on the agenda, along with finding beauty and comfort in the faith God gives us.

If I Smile, Does the Baby Smile, Too?

I have always been an autumn kind of girl.  I love the change of the seasons from warm and balmy weather to crisp, cold fall air.  You don't get much of it in southern California, but I take what I can.  Lately, I think I might be converted just a little to loving spring, sunshine and warmer weather.  We've been having beautiful weather in the high 60's.  Nice and cool with just the right amount of sunshine.  It has definitely been lifting my spirits and making me feel all happy and glowy inside.  Perhaps it's because I'm finally getting over this horrible cold I caught last week and am remembering what it's like to be healthy again, or it could (likely) be because our baby girl is coming along and the reality has finally set in.  All I know is that our household is overflowing with so many blessings and just a sweet, simple sense of gratitude and joy.  It's just so nice to wake up and smile in the morning.

Adding to all the happiness we Hollidays are having around here is being able to share our pregnancy with our friends and family and receiving such outpouring of love and support.  We had a wonderful double date with our friends, Kelly and Evan, last night and came home to two packages sent from Adam's family in Washington.  These two gifts touched me so much last night (hello, Pregnancy Hormones!) and we are just so grateful for the people in our lives.  So, thank you Smith Family and Aunt Sharon for the gifts.  ALL our children (pug and human alike) are grateful!

A sleep sheep from the Smiths.  It has white noise settings for the baby.  Our favorite is the "whale" setting because it sounds like the pugs snoring (which they do a lot of while resting their heads on my baby bump).

Remy got a gift from Aunt Sharon.

5 Ikea rats!! Why Ikea makes stuffed rats for kids, we don't know.  But Rems loves their tails!

This is his old rat.  It was WHITE.  He swallows the tail and pulls it out.  It's his favorite past time.

Adam wanted to give him the full rat experience.  Remy didn't know which one to choose.

A truly happy pug!  (Mia is just glad he'll stop bugging her so much.)

Hormones + TV = Lots of Tears

As of my 16th into my 17th week, I started to feel the baby move inside of me.  The best way I can describe it is that it feels like bubbles popping.  I wasn't sure if it was fetal movement until my OB confirmed that the baby was indeed hanging out on my right side, where I've been feeling all the flutters.  It's been slight and random (usually in the evenings around dinner time), but it's nice to know that's what's going on in there.  It still amazes us that there is a little human being inside just doing its thing.  I can't express how humbling this experience has been for us.  Having lost our first baby, we definitely don't take any milestone for granted.  I was watching "Guiliana & Bill" on TV and found myself bawling at their struggle to conceive.  It's a very honest look at how difficult that journey can be, and how no matter how much you want to conceive, it doesn't always happen.  When they found out their second try at IVF failed, Bill talked about how they couldn't let that define them as a couple and how they already had so much in their life.  That really affected me and I hope that in our journey to have a family we remain constant in our greater purpose in life and faithful in the identities that God gave us as individuals and as a couple.  I truly believe that a child is a blessing and not an entitlement, and am so grateful for this little life inside of me.  That being said, I am sure I will rant about the pitfalls of pregnancy (I'm still learning to say goodbye to my boobs as they once were), but I know that ultimately this is a gift, and one that I hope I never take for granted.

Random Thoughts

Adam is in Seattle for the weekend to watch the Seahawks game, so I'm home alone with the two puggies and the little lima bean.  I am looking forward to snuggling on the couch and catching up on my DVR'd shows and a couple movies.  I just have two little thoughts this evening as I settle in for the night.

One is the recent discovery that chocolate gives me indigestion.  *Insert silent, internal wailing*  This was quite a sad discovery for me since I love chocolate and have been craving it a lot.  I've been limiting my intake because of the caffeine and sugar, but after indulging in some rocky road ice cream the other day, I confirmed my suspicion that chocolate makes me sick.  Yet another indication that this baby is inheriting more of Adam's traits than mine.  Sigh.

Secondly, pregnancy has made me a horrible student.  I've never been this bad at staying on top of my assignments and being able to focus on my studies.  Maybe it's baby brain, maybe I'm just too tired to think too hard, but I've been struggling to keep up, which makes me reconsider how many classes I want to take next semester.  I've been tempted on more than one occasion to write the professor and say:

 "Sorry for my half-ass assignment.  I'm pregnant.  And pukey.  

And would rather sleep than be analyzing this language sample.  

Thank you for your understanding."

And in honor of my procrastinating ways (and in mourning for my newly-developed aversion to chocolate), I'm going to heat up some warm, vanilla milk and watch a bad romantic comedy.  

The Four Week Hangover

At exactly 6 weeks the nausea kicked in.  Since finding out we were pregnant, I started feeling the typical symptoms: fatigue, sensitivity to smell and some morning sickness.  But at 6 weeks, the nausea hit me like a ton of bricks.  From the moment I woke up in the morning to the moment I lay my head down at night, I felt sick.  Having a lot of experience with all things nauseous, it wasn't a foreign feeling.  But typically after a bad car ride or a long and cramped plane flight (two of the most nausea-inducing activities for me), I can usually cure the horrible feeling by laying down, doing some yoga, or just getting fresh air.  But THIS?  This was different.  It was like being hungover every day without the fun of having one too many dirty martinis the night before.  And the aversions that accompanied it made being around anything difficult to bear.

Fortunately, as I come into my 10th week, the symptoms seem to be subsiding a little.  I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and crawling back into some sense of normalcy.  I figured this would be a good time to thank the following for helping me get through the tough month:

• Whole Foods for carrying organic strawberries in the middle of fall - Seriously, only thing I could eat to cure the indigestion and icky feelings in general
• Parents for willing to pick up the most random food for me at a moment's notice
• The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins for giving me a welcome distraction
• A very VERY patient husband
• A very VERY helpful sister-in-law, who may or may not have adopted some pregnancy symptoms from being in such close proximity to me
• Sea bands
• Ice, cold water in giant frosty mugs (this child is definitely Adam's)
• Our interior designers for having the foresight to get us a giant, comfy couch on which I could nap everyday
• Hello Kitty hard candies and Jolly Ranchers (for the two days I could tolerate them, they helped immensely)

I would like the following to go away until after next June when I can tolerate them again:

• Axe body spray
• Any lotion or soap that is minty
• Food with MSG in it (definitely paid for that one time I was craving orange chicken)
• Hello Kitty hard candies and Jolly Ranchers (it was a short love affair)

I know that on the continuum of pregnancy symptoms, I had it pretty easy.  I wasn't constantly hovering over the toilet, didn't need medication, and was able to keep food down.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I welcome the time when I don't feel so sick all the time.  Really, we should get some sort of badge at least.