Happy Birth Day, Little Man!

Gavin's arrival was definitely different than Ella's.  While we knew we would eventually be induced, it was still a surprise when our doctor told us to go to labor and delivery.  I've been going to my OB to be monitored twice a week, and I've been seeing a perinatologist to track Gavin's growth.  This was similar to my experience with Ella during the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  But while Ella made it exactly 40 weeks, we knew we wouldn't go past 39 with Gavin.  That being said, on Friday the 25th, I went to my OB appointment as scheduled for a routine NST appointment.  That day also happened to be my sister-in-law's graduation from her dental hygiene program, and I was sad to miss it while Adam and Ella went.  My appointment went find, the NST results were good, and my OB predicted that I'd either go into labor naturally, or we'd consider inducing the following week.  I called Adam to fill him in, and even mentioned how nice it was to have "a plan" for labor this time around.  Since my perinatal appointment was later that day, I decided to go get a mani-pedi, followed by an impromptu lunch with my girlfriend, Kathy.  

Running late to my perinatologist (lunch with girlfriends can cause that), I was simply expecting the doctor to say that Gavin's abdomen was still slow growing and that we may have to induce a bit earlier.  Instead, he said Gavin's abdomen was still slow growing and (after conferring with my OB) that I should head to L&D to be induced.  Right now.  I was caught totally off guard.  I thought I'd get to go home.  Shower.  Finish packing.  Say goodbye to Ella.  Get a good night's sleep.  At this point it was three o'clock in the afternoon.  Adam had just gotten home from the graduation.  Ella was napping.  I hadn't even finished hanging things in Gavin's room!  I started to panic a little.  I was not expecting to go get induced.  Right now.  

So I hightailed it home, making phone calls to Adam and our parents along the way.  A quick shower, some last minute emails, and a hurried goodbye to Ella later, we left for the hospital.  (Poor Ashley, never got her graduation dinner.  Gavin stole her thunder!)

One last picture before heading out.  I'm 38 weeks here.

 I have to say, showing up to the hospital NOT in labor was much less stressful, especially when it came to filling out forms.  All I could remember from my experience with Ella was signing my name in between contractions and just wanting to be left alone so I could labor away.  This time, we took our time, joked with nurses, and checked in calmly.  I did get a bit nervous and anxious waiting for the nurses because I had way too much time to anticipate the pain that lay ahead of me.  I labored for 24 hours with Ella, and while I knew that it's "easier" and "quicker" the second time around, I was not looking forward to the pain.  They started me on pitocin at 6:15 pm, my OB broke my bag of waters at 6:45, and after a much too painful epidural (the anesthesiologist kept hitting a nerve) a couple hours later, we got to rest for about an hour.  Then the nurse said she was concerned about his heartbeat slowing down too much during each contraction, which in turn made me nervous and worried (would I need an emergency C-section?)  Turns out, baby boy was making his way down and my contractions started to get stronger and stronger.  So much so that the epidural wasn't helping too much and I knew it was time to push.  A couple practice pushes, a hurried call to the OB and a rushed setup resulted in our little man being born at 11:31 pm.  I couldn't believe how quickly it went!    

Our experience overall was so much better--probably because we knew what to expect (for the most part).  Even our hospital stay wasn't as exhausting.  We were just grateful that despite the complications I had during the pregnancy, he was born healthy and safely.

The car ride home.

Because Ella had a little cold, she wasn't able to visit us at the hospital.  I missed her so much; it was the longest I'd been away from her.  But she did great with Grandma and was busy practicing being a big sister.

So maternal and nurturing, she loves caring for her baby doll.

The transition from one child to two has been SO much easier than going from none to one.  Plus, Gavin is really laid back and easy-going, which I appreciate.  He latched right away, is a good eater, and just a really mellow baby.  He's even (accidentally) slept five hours one night (though we'll see how long that lasts).  I just can't believe he's here.

Hanging with Dad.

Basically what he does all day long.

Counting Down

We are eagerly checking off the days until we meet our little boy.  The past month has been filled with lots of doctor visits and fetal monitoring.  This pregnancy has definitely had its share of complications.  I developed gestational diabetes, have (yet again) an uncooperative placenta, and have had to go in twice weekly for a stress test to make sure the baby is doing well.  We learned recently that because my placenta is not doing what it's supposed to be doing, our little guy's abdomen is not growing as it should be.  All this means is that he won't be a big rolly polly baby.  But it's still cause for concern that he's not getting enough nutrition.  So looks like we'll be inducing early (within the next two weeks), depending on how he's doing in there.  Of course this all makes me nervous and anxious.  And of course it is a good reminder how little control we have in this process of creating life, and how it is such a MIRACLE and BLESSING to have children at all, let alone healthy ones.  So I am grateful we made it this far in the pregnancy with relatively few bumps in the rode, despite the complications.  I'm just eager to get him out (I'm over 37 weeks now, which is considered "full term") and meet this little man.

Plus, unlike with Ella, we haven't been able to get a good ultrasound picture of him.  He's always facing back and blocking his face with some limb or another, so we have no idea what he looks like.  I'm so curious to see our son!

As for the overall experience of this pregnancy, I must say it's been so different.  From the way I carry to my symptoms, this child is definitely his own person.  I had morning sickness much much longer than I did will Ella.  It took me until about 18 weeks before I started feeling myself again.  Then I had chronic headaches (they were terrible!) for a while, probably until 30 weeks.  And by 34 weeks, I felt like I was ready to deliver.  I'm carrying him so low, and my bump is definitely pointy and just out there.  With Ella, I didn't feel the discomfort until about 36-37 weeks, and my bump was always round and high.  This time around I don't have that dark line on my belly, and my skin has been relatively cooperative, which is a nice consolation.  The indigestion continues to plague me, and my nights are constantly interrupted with sore hips from sleeping on my side and the need to pee (I didn't have that latter problem with Ella at all).

I'm definitely looking forward to not being pregnant anymore.  I feel like having been pregnant (three times, including our first that ended in miscarriage) for the past three years has taken quite a toll on this body.  While this may not be our last child, I am looking forward to a break.

Emotionally I feel all over the place.  While we didn't plan having another child so soon, I'm glad it happened when it did (or just glad that the pregnancy is almost over and can't imagine doing it all over again right now).  I love that we're having a little boy and that he will usher in new energy into this family.  I wonder how it will be having another child, how much love I will have for him, and how much he will change our lives like Ella did when she was born.  Sometimes it still feels surreal, and the time to dwell on having another child gets overshadowed by the need to care for a toddler.  Still, I treasure those nights where I'm rocking Ella for bedtime and she's drifting off in my arms while I feel our son kick and move in my belly.  I cherish the fact that I have my babies so close, and know how blessed I am.

As for now, we are just trying to enjoy our final few days of being a family of three.  Adam and I are going out and having date nights as much as possible, because we know how challenging that can be with a newborn.  We're also sleeping as much as we can and just drinking in the relatively quiet and easy life we have.  While I know the roller coaster that awaits us, I'm excited to be exactly where we are right now.

a sequel

I know it's been a while since the last post.  Since celebrating Ella's first birthday, I've been hit with waves of exhaustion, nausea and emotional ups and downs that have prevented me from really wanted to post.  Yes, yes, these are all very common symptoms of...

... BEING PREGNANT.

The week before Ella's birthday, I found out that I'm pregnant with our second child.  This came as a complete shock.  I think I'm still in shock (and I'm 9 1/2 weeks into this pregnancy).  Adam and I had discussed thinking about having another baby after Ella turned one.  We wanted our kids (at least the first two) to be relatively close in age.  But the idea of being pregnant again, after finally getting my body back (kinda, sorta), made me cringe.  I didn't think I was physically ready to go through the nausea and the aches and the worries of growing another human being inside me.  I was just looking forward to weaning Ella and having a little (selfish) freedom.  That, and I really, REALLY like my sleep.  I know, totally selfish.  But Ella is down to one nursing session a day, consistently sleeping 10-12 hours a night, and growing beautifully into this little toddler-person that I really appreciate and love.  We're all in a really nice routine and feel firmly planted in this whole parenting thing.  And then, whoosh, we get knocked off our feet.   I still feel like I'm processing through it all.  I know I'm still in the first trimester, and miscarriage is so real to us, but I can't but feel overwhelmed for the future.  Not that I don't embrace this baby (I mean, how blessed are we to conceive so easily), but when I really start thinking about the future, I get just a little panicked.

While it's standard to wait until after the first trimester to share the news, I feel like I can't really keep it to myself at this point.  We've told all our close friends and family, because they would be our support system either way.  And besides, this pregnancy has challenged me so much more than my first pregnancy and the one with Ella did.  I feel emotionally wrecked.  I know it's 95% hormones and 5% it being unplanned, but I've been pretty blue.  I'm not usually a sad person.  I can deal with the constant nausea and fatigue, knowing that there will come a time when it subsides.  But the intense emotions I feel are new to me.  With Ella, I was filled with so much hopeful anticipation.  With this baby, I just get sad that I can't give 100% to Ella or to the baby.

I do sometimes get little waves of excitement thinking about Ella having a little brother or sister to play with.  And my heart grows thinking about how much more love there is to give to another child, especially when I see Ella and the joy she brings to our lives.  So there is beauty and celebration in all of this.  I just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

This is all just a reminder that we have so little control over our lives.  We can plan and try to find "the right" time for things, but really, we are just here for the ride.  I am grateful for this child.  I am grateful that Adam and I can add to our family.  I see how much Ella has changed our lives, and I am grateful that this child will do the same.  I am also humbled, because yet again I am reminded that being a mom isn't about my selfish needs for sleep and perky boobs.  It's providing for my children whether it's making sure Ella learns to feed herself or eating healthy meals throughout the day to nourish this growing baby inside me.    

So with all that being said, here we go with Pregnancy: The Sequel.  And here is our little blob at 8 weeks:

A Birthing Story

It's hard to believe that she's here after all this anticipation!

Last Thursday, June 9th, Adam and I went to my routine OB appointment for our usual NST session.  We found out that I was having (mild) contractions every 20 minutes or so during the fetal monitoring.  Our doctor felt that I would probably deliver the upcoming weekend.  We were excited, though the reality didn't really sink in.  I just felt like I was going to be pregnant forever, rocking the bump til I was old and gray.

Thursday night we went to bed at around 10 pm since Adam had an early morning the next day.  I joked that perhaps he wouldn't make it into his 5 am work day if I went into labor.  At around 12:30 am I woke up with some intense contractions.  I knew it the moment I felt it that this was the beginning of labor.  How long the process would be, I wasn't certain.  I tried to sleep it off (knowing I needed all the rest I could get), but it got intense enough for me to whimper and writhe around in bed, waking Adam up.  We decided to see if I would be getting the contractions regularly before jumping to any conclusions about our baby's delivery.  Then, about 10 minutes later I had another contraction.  Then another 7 minutes later, I had another one.  Followed by another one 12 minutes later.  We called our doula. Juli, just to give her a head's up, and she suggested we try to sleep or for me to take a bath, since this pattern could continue for a while and I was still only in early labor.  Then they came more frequently; as we timed my contractions we realized they were coming in 4-6 minute intervals.  I didn't expect to starting getting them so close together so soon.  So we called Juli back (who said she actually couldn't go back to sleep either because she sensed she'd be needed sooner than later), and as we waited for her to come over, I did what every laboring woman does: throw on comfy clothes, finish packing the hospital bags, pay bills, and straighten my hair.

I have to be honest the contractions took me by surprise and I didn't really know how to deal with them.  Adam and I looked at each other and just knew this was going to be a tough road.  Maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I'd be.  But the minute Juli arrived and placed her hands on my hips to ease the pain, we felt a lot more confident that we were going to do this.  We labored at home for about 11 hours.  Adam made us breakfast (oatmeal and cappuccinos, of course!) and switched off with Juli to help me through each contraction.  By 11:30 the contractions were getting stronger and we felt like I was dilated enough to head to the hospital.  Adam called the doctor and we headed out.

My calm and empowering labor at home was definitely interrupted by the hospital's many formal procedures.  Getting constantly poked, prodded and hooked up (four tries and an anesthesiologist later for the IV) made bearing through the contractions pretty challenging.  But Juli and Adam were amazing coaches and we persevered for another few hours.  By 3 pm, my OB broke my bags of water, intensifying the contractions.  I have to say, the next two hours were by far the most challenged.  At 6 cm dilated, I was about to go into transition and I was exhausted and scared that I wouldn't be able to actually push the baby out.  Through tears and feelings of defeat, I asked for the epidural.  When the pain medication set in, we were all given a brief reprieve and some rest.  My progress stalled and pitocin was administered to keep things going.  Transition hit and by 11:30 I was ready to push.  Adam made the comment that perhaps our baby would make her arrival on the 10th after all.  Juli and the L&D nurse both looked at him incredulously since first time moms usually push for at least 1-2 hours.  So I braced myself for the long haul, and started the pushing process.  Twenty-one minutes later at 11:51 pm, Ella Seraphina Holliday was born.  We were all amazed, overwhelmed and completely overcome by the experience.  She was placed on my chest, lifted her head and said hello to her new mommy and daddy.  And my heart was now eternally outside my body.

Adam and I are so completely overjoyed to welcome our little girl into this world.  After everything our family has been through we definitely welcome the celebration of a new life.  The day Ella was born was the day we fell in love with our daughter and even more with each other.  Thanks for sharing in our journey!  We look forward to what parenting holds for us.

Hello, Baby

Ella Seraphina Holliday made her grand debut on Friday, June 10, 2011 at 11:51 pm. Our healthy girl is 6 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches long. We are overjoyed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and madly in love! She is all of God's goodnessed bundled up into a tiny, squirmy package and we are so grateful to be able to experience this. Quick thank you to everyone for your offers of help and congratulations! We still can't remember what day it is, so we're doing some major bonding and hiding out with our daughter until we can get into some normal routine. Will definitely post more updates in the near future, including her birth story and pictures.

The Waiting Game

With just a few more days until our due date, Adam and I spent our (possibly) last weekend together as just the two of us strolling around town and taking it easy.  The beautiful weather we've been having has been very conducive for our walks and getting out and about.  Yesterday we met up with my mom and family for lunch at a delicious dumpling place (where we got free dumplings because Adam broke out the Chinese and told the waitress how good their food was), and then did some last minute errand shopping at Target (always a favorite past time of mine).  Today we slept in a little, then met up with our friend, Louie, for lunch at Porto's in Glendale and some shopping and strolling at the Americana.  We joked that I should scare people in stores by starting to pant and look pained.  When I took the stairs in the Puma store, the (really sweet and thoughtful) employee at the top level pointed out the elevator to me "just in case."  Apparently I look as ready to pop as I'm feeling!

Adam and I are trying hard to stay patient and keep our minds off the impending labor process.  We are just so eager to meet our little girl, it's hard to wait.  Nonetheless, we are focusing on staying prayerful for a safe and healthy birth, and trying to appreciate the last few moments we have as a family of two.

I'm 39 weeks and 1 day.  Adam is just plain ready for the baby to show up. 

Are We There Yet?

I know, I know.  I haven't even reached my due date yet, so there really is no reason to feel as antsy as I feel.  But I WANT THIS BABY HERE.  It's just... so uncomfortable.  I'm tired all the time, my belly keeps stretching (and showing it), and everything aches.  I've been so blessed to be able to have a husband to dote on me and weekly prenatal massages, so really, I shouldn't complain.  But I feel like I've been pregnant forever.  I know I should be enjoying these last couple of weeks where I don't have to always be nursing or caring for a newborn.  But I want my body back (as much of it as I can get back).  I miss yoga and salami and a guilt-free glass of red wine.  I miss seeing my toes and being able to roll out of bed without having to grunt or wince in pain (she's sitting very low now).  I want to wear my wedding ring again and not feel like a marshmallow peep all the time.  I'm trying to focus on the few things left on my to-do list, but most of the time I just want to sleep.  I've never felt this tired before and so physically limited.  And don't even get me started on the fact that I now waddle.  Sigh.

It's so funny how throughout the pregnancy all you want is for your baby to stay inside to develop and grow.  Preterm labor is a constant concern.  Now, all I want is for her to make her arrival.  I guess this is Mother Nature's way of helping me actually look forward to the labor and delivery process.  Ah, the master plan!

The 38 Week Bump

38 Weeks, 1 Day

One Centimeter Dilated...

...which basically means... nothing.  Ha.  Though I think she's "dropped" a little (I'm feeling more pressure on my pelvic area), the doctor doesn't think labor's going to start anytime soon.  Not that I thought it would either.  Our OB doesn't expect to see any changes for another week to ten days (at least), so we'll just hang tight.  I guess this calls for more napping!

Full Term

I have officially reached the 37 week mark, which is a huge relief for us knowing that baby is considered full-term and that we can start expecting her at any time soon.  It also marks the start of me feeling uncomfortable and awkward.  I feel like I've been pretty fortunate throughout this pregnancy and have only begun to feel the strains, aches and pains.  But already I'm tired of the restless nights, the achey hips, and the feeling of not being fully mobile.  I've come to love my yoga ball which gives me lots of relief and am told it will help move my baby into position.  I'm definitely trying to conserve my energy for the actual birthing process, but I'm happy to report that the nursery is 98% done (with pictures coming soon) and we are mostly packed and ready to go.  The car seat is installed and I feel good about our preparedness (for what we can control, that is).  Now I just have to mentally prepare for the whole birthing a child thing.  I mean, really, it's starting to sink in how much it's going to hurt, and it doesn't help that I'm tired all the time and the thought of 15+ hours of laboring is just much too daunting.  It's such a strange feeling wanting time to pass so we can finally meet our little one, yet trying to enjoy the time we have left as just husband and wife (and pug and pug).  Because once she's here, there really are no refunds, right?  

Peace Be With You

Adam and I have been having quite a few discussions regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden and its significance in the bigger picture of US politics and the war on terror.  Someone posted this on Facebook and it really resonated with me.

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." 

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I keep thinking how hate often begets hate, and how it traps us into a cycle of despair and loss.  No one really wins.  I'm not saying I disagree with the actions the US took to take down Bin Laden, and I have the utmost respect for and gratitude to our military.  I guess I'm just feeling contemplative today, and thinking a lot about how God's purpose for us is to love.  That seems so elementary and broad, but the message of the homily this past Sunday really stuck with me.  It was all about finding peace, showing peace, and maintaining that peace.  Not just peace in the world, but finding our inner peace by being in step with God and staying spiritually close to Him.  I am a control freak and it is a daily battle against anxiety and worry when I don't feel in complete control of my situation.  Needless to say, I felt very convicted that I need to learn to trust in God and His plans, promises and purposes for us.  This commitment to peace can spread like wildfire.  It's positive energy is contagious, and I pray that everyday inspires us to make that commitment within ourselves and to those around us, so that we can build a community of peace that shows love and faithfulness even when there is so much darkness surrounding us.  Gosh, I sound like I'm drinking the coolaid, and maybe it's the pregnancy hormone cocktail that's making me so sentimental, but as we're about to bring a little life into this unstable world, all I want is for her (and our future children) to know the blessings and goodness of life.  

Our baby is evidence that love begets love.  She is given to us because Adam and I made a commitment to love one another for the rest of our lives.  I know, I know.  I'm a sap.  But I rejoice in my cheesiness (since jadedness and cynicism are known to make an appearance every now and then, too).  Anticipating the birth of our first child is such an unique experience that I know we'll never have again.  I choose to embrace the sappy, sentimentality of it and look upon the goodness and innocence of a new life, bundled up in a little baby.  The world may be in constant chaos, but I am grateful for the peace that God promises us every single day.  

An Abundance of Love

Happy Easter!

We had quite an eventful weekend celebrating life manifested in so many ways.  First off, on Friday we went to Good Friday mass in the afternoon with our good friend Louie.  It's always humbling to be reminded of the suffering Christ went through in His love for us.  It was a really nice mass, even though the little one inside of me was making it difficult to stand and sit through the longer service.

Next, Adam's mother threw us a lovely little "family shower" with the help of Ashley and some family and friends.  It was really special to be in the company of all these women who have had families of their own and be reminded of life brought forth generation after generation.  We received some really nice gifts and blessings, and definitely continued to feel showered with love.  Thank you so much to all of you who attended and your generosity in celebrating with us!

Lastly, we had a low-key Easter (I'm going to save the Easter egg hunts and brunches for when our daughter is here to experience them first hand) with some of Adam's family from Washington.  All in all, it was a nice weekend in which we got to spend time together as a couple, sharing in the company of people who continue to bless us every day.  Easter reminded us that God's love lives through Jesus' resurrection.  As we prepare to bring this little life into this world we know that everything comes from Christ's love for us.

Doctor's Visit

I had my 32 week OB appointment yesterday and am happy to report that all is going along well.  After the little scare I had last week, I was relieved to find out that I only gained 1 lb. since my last visit two weeks ago, which puts me right on target.  That said, our scale at home is getting tossed out the window after a very stern talking to for freaking me out with its inaccurate reading.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated, but my doctor wasn't too concerned.  We had a good conversation about what would happen if I did develop preeclampsia (both now before the 35 week mark and later when I'm considered "full term") and I feel much more prepared for what to expect and confident that we will be okay regardless of what happens.  Still, as of now, things are going along swimmingly and I'm trying to relax and enjoy the time we have left with just the two of us (plus pugs) in our family.  Taking nothing about this pregnancy for granted, I am truly grateful for every day she is healthy and growing in my belly.

Nesting

So this is nesting.  Go figure that I was born to nest.  I mean, I've had almost 30 years of nesting experience.  Preparing for the arrival of our baby has given me free reign to shop, organize and decorate a room.  I want to say that it's the pregnancy hormones motivating me to have everything in place and ready for her arrival, but really it's no different than how I usually am on a day to day basis.  I am loving it nonetheless.  Adam put her closet shelving system up yesterday, clothes are washed and hung, and the furniture should arrive tomorrow morning.  I am so excited to put this nursery together and await the arrival of our daughter to fill it with memories and love.  I will definitely post pictures of the completed project.  Less than 9 weeks to go if she makes a timely appearance.  I'm definitely eager with anticipation!

28 weeks 3 days

Hello Third Trimester!

As I approach my 28th week, I usher in my third and final trimester (yay!).  I'm pretty excited to say the least.  We've been slowly checking away at our to-do list in preparation for our baby to arrive.  We have our wallpaper and paint picked out for the nursery (check!), we signed up for all our birthing classes (check!), and we've interviewed and retained a doula (check!).  We're especially grateful for that last one because I just really don't know what to expect when it comes time for the big event.  I appreciate that I can  keep my options open while knowing that I have a professionally trained and experienced woman to support me and Adam through it all.

As I transition into my third tri, I thought I'd compile a few lists reflecting my pregnancy thus far:

THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR:

• Weekly prenatal massages
• Feeling the baby move
• Elastic waistbands and maxi dresses
• Passing my glucose tolerance test 
• An amazing husband (even if he sings Winnie the Pooh when he sees me)

THINGS I'M LOVING:

• Fruit 
• Ice cream
• Chocolate (reunited and it feels so good!)
• Decaf coffee drinks
• Shopping for baby
• Thicker hair 
• Thinking about all the birthday parties/Easter egg hunts/holiday events that we'll be throwing for her

THINGS I MOURN:

• Sushi
• Regular caffeinated coffee drinks
• Beer and wine
• Rare steak
• Bending over easily
• Ab muscles
• Sleeping through the night
• Seeing my feet
• My boobs (as they once were)

It's Like Marbles Everywhere

Yesterday, Adam and I attended a maternity tour of the hospital we will be giving birth at.  I couldn't believe how many people were at this orientation.  Even though I'm pregnant myself, pregnant people make me nervous.  It's like a bunch of pods walking around.  Or marbles.  For some reason I think of a bunch of marbles just rolling around the floor when I see a lot of pregnant people in one space.  Sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the presentation to begin, Adam and I felt like we were in class all over again.  I even got a little nervous about not being prepared enough to attend the tour (where was my list of questions?).  Looking around I kept thinking how there are all these little lives just hanging out in these women's bellies.  It was a little difficult for me to wrap my head around.

The tour was very informative and helpful, and I'm glad we did it.  As we were guided through the different sections of the maternity ward, Adam and I kept joking how we need to run drills so we knew exactly what to do when the time comes to deliver.  I could just see us in matching warm ups, jetting down the hall, him throwing bags and forms at the receptionist, me hunting down a wheel chair, as if we were on the last leg of The Amazing Race.

Emotionally, I've been feeling a lot better.  A weekend with the husband tends to assuage all the negativity and fear that I feel when I'm left alone to think too much.  I did have a mini panic attack last night, though, about raising a girl.  I'm reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture by Peggy Orenstein.  It's an interesting read about how (or if) we are doing our daughters a disservice by perpetuating the "princess" mentality by buying into the consumerism that seeks to objectify and sexualize girls into thinking that looks are more important than character.  I got to the part about social networking and how it is yet another vehicle for children to promote themselves on a superficial level rather than encourage children to develop meaningful relationships and establish their own identity outside of tweets, status updates, and wall posts.  It's a lot to think about as society seems to become more and more desensitized and children are getting older younger.  It's scary to think what this world will be like when our daughter(s) approach that age.  I'm prepared to have a baby, but not a teenager (or tween) quite yet.  The book does make me reevaluate my approach to teaching my daughter about her femininity and identity as a girl.  I want to empower without stifling her with my own agenda.  I mean, who wants their daughter to struggle with identity issues and poor body image and all that goes with being female and an adolescence?  I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with pink and princesses and girlie things.  I just want my daughter to have an identity outside of the societal constraints placed on her simply because she is female.  But then again, I'd buy a pink power drill!  And here I am blogging and using Facebook.  What does that say about me?  I do recommend the book, though.  Not to be read as gospel or anything, but just something to think about.  I can go on and on about this subject, but I'll save that for another day.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry

Perhaps it's the doctor visits and their caution in monitoring me.  Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones.  Perhaps it's the fact that I'm almost at my third trimester and the fears and anxiety raised by our previous miscarriage are resurfacing again.  Perhaps it's the horrible dream I had last night.  Or maybe it's just a mix of it all, but today I woke up feeling incredibly anxious and slightly panicked.  I know nothing has changed since seeing her move on the screen yesterday, but she's having a mellow day in there and I miss feeling her thump against my side and feeling her kick from the outside.  This morning it's only been a few flutters here and there and a bout of hiccups for a short while.  I know it's completely normal and that "kick counts" don't really start until the 28th week when the baby's movements are more predictable and consistent.  But sometimes I get nervous and my rational side gets taken over by my human feelings of weakness and helplessness.

Like I've said before, being pregnant is so humbling.  It really makes you face your lack of control in the bigger scheme of things.  And people who know me know I love control.  I thrive on being in the driver's seat.  So it's been a tough lesson to learn--to just really give it up and trust that God's plans are more divine and purposeful than our own.  I was reading some pregnancy boards earlier to find comfort in our baby's "slow day" and came across a post about a woman losing her baby at 25 weeks.  I broke down.  I just sat in front of the computer and cried.  I don't know this woman, but I can only imagine what she's going through.  I feel like Adam and I handled the loss of our first baby really well.  We had amazing support and we've come to a place where we can talk about it and share our experience.  But the emotion of losing something you love so much continues to haunt you.  It never really leaves.  Anyone who has lost a loved one can attest to that.

I guess this morning is a slow day for all of us.  The pugs are snuggled up on their bed, fast asleep (and it's only a little past 9 o'clock).  The baby is hanging out, taking it easy apparently, much to my worry and anxiety (which I'm well aware never really goes away, even after she is born).  And I'm just going to let myself mope a little, continue to mourn a little.  Mourn for our first baby, up in heaven with her grandpa and Frankie (our first pug baby), mourn for the woman's loss of her premature baby, and mourn for the loss of all little lives leaving us too soon.  I'm chalking it up to just one of those days where tea and prayer are on the agenda, along with finding beauty and comfort in the faith God gives us.

100 Days

Today marks my 100 day countdown to our baby's arrival.  That means I've been pregnant for 180 days!  Well, more like 166 since 14 of those days was pre-ovulation.  But still, quite a feat us women go through!

We had a prenatal check-up today and got to see our daughter.  It's been 6 weeks since the last time we saw her, and my, how much she has grown!  I'm being monitored a bit closely because I have an increased risk of developing preeclampsia.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated this time around, but so far, everything is going fine.  The baby is 2.2 lbs. now (in the 60th percentile) and her features are developing a lot.  She was opening and closing her mouth a lot (I think we have a talker!) and raised her fist quite a few times.  Adam remarked that she was fist pumping, leading the doctor to say, "We have a situation!"  Sigh... There are no words...

But here are some pictures!

The profile shot

Creepy Pudding Baby

It's like she's formed from a cloud.

The doctor assured me that the bumps are a result of graininess from the ultrasound and NOT actually part of the baby.

Haha, just kidding.  But the resemblance is there!

An Education

Perhaps it's the hormones, perhaps it's the pregnancy brain, but I can't seem to focus on my studies and my motivation to do well has all but dissipated.  I've been taking classes to get a second bachelors in communication disorders in hopes of getting my masters degree in speech and language pathology.  Before getting pregnant I was really excited about this career shift and looking forward to working in schools and eventually in a private practice.  But since the baby came along, my 3 year plan has been a bit disrupted.  Yesterday, I took a test that I didn't do so well on, and came home a bit discouraged.  I'm pretty burned out with the whole school thing.  It feels like that's all I've been doing the past 10 years, and it scares me a little that this career decision may not work out.

I'm torn because all I want to do right now is to be a mom.  I think being a full-time mom is one of the most challenging and under-appreciated jobs a woman can have.  I have so much respect for women who choose to stay home with their kids.  Sometimes I think I'll be perfectly content pursuing that, but other times I feel suffocated and want something of my own (outside of kids and family).  While I don't plan to sacrifice my family life in pursuit of some flashy career, I know that in the long run it will be nice to just have something separate to identify myself with.

The idea of having 3+ years of schooling left plus wanting to grow our family is completely daunting to me.  Adam has been very supportive of whatever decision I make (even though he says I should just make a career out of collecting degrees). There are plenty of women who work, go to school and raise kids, but the idea of having to do that just exhausts me.  Then again, my physical fatigue is probably overflowing into my emotional state, so ultimately I will just pray for discernment as I navigate through this balancing act.  For someone who thrives on planning and "to do" lists, this is the first time in a long time that I've had to let every expectation go and just trust.