a sequel

I know it's been a while since the last post.  Since celebrating Ella's first birthday, I've been hit with waves of exhaustion, nausea and emotional ups and downs that have prevented me from really wanted to post.  Yes, yes, these are all very common symptoms of...

... BEING PREGNANT.

The week before Ella's birthday, I found out that I'm pregnant with our second child.  This came as a complete shock.  I think I'm still in shock (and I'm 9 1/2 weeks into this pregnancy).  Adam and I had discussed thinking about having another baby after Ella turned one.  We wanted our kids (at least the first two) to be relatively close in age.  But the idea of being pregnant again, after finally getting my body back (kinda, sorta), made me cringe.  I didn't think I was physically ready to go through the nausea and the aches and the worries of growing another human being inside me.  I was just looking forward to weaning Ella and having a little (selfish) freedom.  That, and I really, REALLY like my sleep.  I know, totally selfish.  But Ella is down to one nursing session a day, consistently sleeping 10-12 hours a night, and growing beautifully into this little toddler-person that I really appreciate and love.  We're all in a really nice routine and feel firmly planted in this whole parenting thing.  And then, whoosh, we get knocked off our feet.   I still feel like I'm processing through it all.  I know I'm still in the first trimester, and miscarriage is so real to us, but I can't but feel overwhelmed for the future.  Not that I don't embrace this baby (I mean, how blessed are we to conceive so easily), but when I really start thinking about the future, I get just a little panicked.

While it's standard to wait until after the first trimester to share the news, I feel like I can't really keep it to myself at this point.  We've told all our close friends and family, because they would be our support system either way.  And besides, this pregnancy has challenged me so much more than my first pregnancy and the one with Ella did.  I feel emotionally wrecked.  I know it's 95% hormones and 5% it being unplanned, but I've been pretty blue.  I'm not usually a sad person.  I can deal with the constant nausea and fatigue, knowing that there will come a time when it subsides.  But the intense emotions I feel are new to me.  With Ella, I was filled with so much hopeful anticipation.  With this baby, I just get sad that I can't give 100% to Ella or to the baby.

I do sometimes get little waves of excitement thinking about Ella having a little brother or sister to play with.  And my heart grows thinking about how much more love there is to give to another child, especially when I see Ella and the joy she brings to our lives.  So there is beauty and celebration in all of this.  I just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

This is all just a reminder that we have so little control over our lives.  We can plan and try to find "the right" time for things, but really, we are just here for the ride.  I am grateful for this child.  I am grateful that Adam and I can add to our family.  I see how much Ella has changed our lives, and I am grateful that this child will do the same.  I am also humbled, because yet again I am reminded that being a mom isn't about my selfish needs for sleep and perky boobs.  It's providing for my children whether it's making sure Ella learns to feed herself or eating healthy meals throughout the day to nourish this growing baby inside me.    

So with all that being said, here we go with Pregnancy: The Sequel.  And here is our little blob at 8 weeks: